Nostalgic
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Just loads of rambling from Brendan's POV about his feelings for Ste. Stendan.


**Don't really know what this is, but I hope you like it. I've probably wrote stuff similar before, but I've been watching Stendan on daily motion tonight and I felt all sad and sentimental. Hugs Ruthyroo xx**

 **Nostalgic :)**

It doesn't matter that I don't see your face anymore, or feel the softness of your skin, for those moments are forever in my mind and I relive them over and over. Sometimes those memories seem so real that I can almost convince myself that they are really happening again. Of course I'm not stupid, I know they're not, but the times you gave me are the only thing that keeps me going in this hell hole. I think of you still so much, even after all this time. I remember the smell of your skin and how it would drive me crazy; I remember how much you used to laugh when I'd sniff you, breathing you in. You never got how beautiful you were to me

I know that it doesn't matter to you now, that you've moved on and forgot all about me and our time together, but for me you are still the one thing that makes any sense. Only now I can't see you, or speak to you…I just have what we once had and I guess that'll have to do, for now. It was my choice to cut ties, but believe me I've struggled with my decision every day for the last two years. I've wanted to see you, almost sent you a visiting order millions of times, but you deserve better. I wish you didn't. I wish I could be selfish and use you for my benefit, but when you love someone the way that I love you everything changes.

I never even got to tell you how I really feel about you and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Would you have given yourself to me completely? Why when we were just beginning did we have to end? I made a choice, but it was the wrong choice…I know that now. You were and still are the only one for me and even though I'll probably be spending the rest of my life without you, I swear there will never be anyone else. You Steven were my last kiss. I can still taste you sometimes when I think back to that day. I remember how much you were crying and that was what your kiss tasted of…sad, wet tears.

I wish I would've given myself to you sooner; maybe then things would've been different. I had to play the big hard man though didn't I? I had you from the first time we kissed, but I kept pushing you away because I couldn't accept who I was. I had to watch you fall in love with someone else because I wasn't man enough to tell you that you were all I could see. You always loved me though even when I mistreated you…how I wish I could go back in time and put things right. Do you think that we will get another chance? I'd like to think so. I miss you Steven, more than you will ever know and I hope that sometimes you still think of me and what we once had.

I stay out of trouble in here, keep my head down and work hard. I still tell myself that you wouldn't like it if acted out, but in reality I know you don't give two fucks what I do. I'm not your problem anymore am I? You on the other hand will always be mine and to be honest I wouldn't want it any other way. Maybe subconsciously I keep my nose clean to be released earlier. I hope that you know that the minute I'm a free man I'm coming back for you. I don't even care if you send me away; this need for you isn't going anywhere. You could send me away again and again and I'd still come back for more.

I shouldn't have let you go in the first place; I know you would've waited for me, but I just didn't want to watch you suffer, I hope you can understand that. No one ever comes here to visit, no one even tries, but I have you with me inside my soul and I guess that is all I really need. Your beautiful face and a shit load of memories. I know you probably think that I don't care about you anymore, but I do…more than you will ever know. Someone once told me that even true love fades when it's ignored, but that is not true. I love you just as much today as I did when I first fell in love with you all that time ago. In fact I love you more; you've kept my heart beating.

We've loved each other before you and I, in a past life and I know that we'll love each other again in the next. Love like ours never stops, it keeps growing, getting bigger, moving forward. I truly believe that. My heart is yours, always has been and it always will be no matter what obstacles we face…together or apart. You are just the other half of me and nothing or no one could even come close to you and the way you make me feel. I remember every time we spent together good or bad. I remember every kiss, every touch, I remember everything. I remember you.

I really do wish things could've been different for us, we both tried so hard to make it work, but things always got in our way didn't they? I meant every word I ever said to you and every memory we made were the happiest times of my life. You gave me more than you realize and my only regret is letting you go. I know I'll see your face again one day and not just in my head but in the flesh, for real and I'll try and win you back. You will try and resist me I know you will, but you'll feel that connection, that pull and you'll be by my side like you always used to be. Nothing in the world could keep me from you forever, not even these bars.

Until then Steven.

 **Please Review** **xx xx xx**


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